A Potent Question to Help Build Resilience and Improve Mental Health
I watched a Ted Talk recently where Dr. Lucy Hone shared how she tragically lost her child — arguably the most devastating loss any parent could have to endure and undoubtedly their greatest nightmare.
Dr. Hone spoke about how she and her husband found themselves on the receiving end of “expert” advice that wasn’t in the least bit helpful — prime candidates for family estrangement, likely to get divorced, and at high risk for mental illness.
Only days after their beloved daughter died tragically, this is how experts were priming her and her husband for the next five years of their lives. Pretty cruel, I think you’ll agree? But Dr. Hone was a resilience expert, and with two other kids to care for, she wasn’t going down like that.
Unsurprisingly, her talk was on resilience. As she shared secrets of resilient people, one stood out to me as “genius.” It was one question — a potent and simple question I believe could benefit all.
“Is what I’m doing helping or harming me?”
Many of our choices harm us — both consciously and unconsciously, which we make day in and day out.
Maybe you can’t stand your job because the work sucks, or your boss is an asshole? As a result, you become more anxious and stressed as the days roll by while simultaneously losing your zest for life.
This is a decision made repeatedly by many: to continue down the same unfulfilling path. Of course, we’ve got to eat. But regardless, a decision NOT to take action is still a decision and a harmful one at that.
Conversely, deciding to be proactive and seek out a new career — whether it’s setting up your dream business, penning the next Harry Potter, or updating a resume you’ve procrastinated on for five years — is a highly worthwhile endeavor. Even if it doesn’t work out.
Why? Because that one decision can initiate the process of change, setting off a chain reaction while putting an end to stagnation. It’s empowering to decide you’re not going to put up with bullshit anymore if bullshit is what you’ve been putting up with.
That’s how we grow and become resilient — by facing our problems, no matter how deep in the hole we’ve found ourselves.
The question can be applied to all areas of life — from the serious stuff like work, family, and relationships to the mundane like scrolling through social media, the content you consume, and whether or not to eat the carrot over the fucking cookie.
One question, real simple: Is it harmful or helpful? If it’s harmful, don’t do it. If it’s helpful, do.
